It has been a while

Wow, I knew that I was bad at keeping up with this crap but honestly, I guess I didn't realize just HOW bad I was at it!
I am finally done with the summer research and am damn happy to be out of Medford! I think that it was just about time for me to leave. I had just my good amount of seeing my friends and staying at school before it started to get a little bit old. Now, a whole month away from it all will make it that much better when I have to go back on the 11th of September.
However, home isn't as great as I had anticipated. My mom took a job as a telemarketer and has no time to really spend with me and my dad hasn't been feeling well enough to really do much either. Because I burnt bridges with the people from around here, I am kind of alone and bored. Plus, to make matters worse, my parents are monitoring EVERY SINGLE MOVE I make with eating and exercising and it is so annoying. It is not like I am aware that my mom calls purposely to make sure that I am not exercising or to make sure that I am eating enough. My dad is always annoying with things and makes the situation that much more awkward too. I just wish they would leave me alone. I am old enough to deal with my problems and was doing just fine with it when I was on my own. Them pressuring me, making me feel guilty about every move I make, doesn't make matters any easier. I understand- they are concerned parents and just want what is best for me, but there is a line and they definitely have crossed it.
I am going to see the Tyra Show tomorrow with my mom which should be nice alone time with her. I am sure I can talk to her about all of this stuff when we are at dinner. We shall see...
CALI here I come, in about a week from tomorrow! I am excited to see Liz, but more excited to be on my own for a bit. It is going to be nice to just get away from everyone here and see my best friend.FUN FUN!
Until next time (which, with my track record could be a while) wish me luck with my parents!
<3 e

Where my Inspiration is

Today, my favorite T person who hands out the BostonNow metro reading in the morning got on the second page and was voted the "Promoter of the Month." I can't tell you what an impact that woman has had on me. When I get off the T in the morning, I really look forward to seeing her. She is always happy and smiling and her voice is so recognizable. How someone with such a low-paying, dead end job, and no money can get up every morning and be happy... now THAT is amazing. She is an inspirational person to me, honestly. I have told her this before. She is the woman who says things like, "Smile! Today is a good day- you woke up today" and "Thank God for the day" and really means them. During my healing time, recovering from an eating disorder, I have come back to what she says many times and smile. For example, today I wasn't feeling too happy until I saw her and she said that "a positive day starts by having a positive attitude" which is so true. I feel like she was sent to this earth to do this job, and touch lives in ways that perhaps only a few people realize. I hope that someday I can have such a positive outlook on things and know how to deal with the days when I DO feel like crap. For now, I look to the woman off the T for inspiration and drive.
Right now, I am missing my mom (another inspirational person to me). I find comfort in her smile and hugs and KNOW that everything will be all right. I am healing myself for myself, but also for her. She gets so sad when she sees me and I am tired of being an object of worry to her. Granted, I will always be on her mind but I don't want it to be because of an eating disorder. Wednesday, she came and we shared an awesome dinner together and a wonderful evening. She gives the best advice... I love her too much!
Tonight, I should be going to my friend JP's house with Abby for an all night drinking fest. Abby and I don't really drink that much so we are just going, to do something tonight. It should be a good time, an interesting time really.
This weekend, I need to get together some data for Monday's mini presentation and study for the MCAT's as well as look at more business things. I want to go to Barnes and Nobel or something and read up on it, perhaps even the library... we will see how much time I have.
I am at work right now, waiting for the PCR to finish and some stuff to get done. Shouldn't be too bad of a day.

It has been a while!

I know that it has been a while since my last post, so sorry for that! I will just write to inform you of what is going on in my life right now, rather than trying to remember the stupid things from these last few days:
This weekend I am going to RI to see my mom and my dad. I am semi-excited just because things with Bryan are going great and I know that I will be thinking of him this weekend. I just don't want to get too close, too soon like I usually do so I feel that these next 3 nights I will go without seeing him, will be beneficial for the two of us. We are going to the SOX game on Monday night which makes me soooo excited!
Bryan- he is nice, funny, thoughtful, spontaneous, understanding, gentle, and a gentleman... soooo where is the catch 22? I am just waiting for it! I think Monday's date will definitely tell me more about my feelings for him. I am on the fence a bit, but overall, I think he is a great guy and he definitely has potential to BE something to me. Kind of exciting but I am not getting my hopes up...
I have been feeling more beautiful lately. I try to tell myself that every day. I have even been feeling too thin which makes me sad sometimes. I look in the mirror and say, "gross- you need to gain weight" but instead of chiding myself for things, I am trying to just be happy with who I am and what God has given me. I will never be a swimsuit model, I can just be the best I can be with what I have. I still hold some reservations about certain foods, but I am definitely getting over them. I have been eating more, and I have not lost weight which makes me upset in my mind, but is sort of satisfying to know that I can eat more and not blow up like a balloon. I just want to be FEMININE and healthy above all. I struggle with it each day, but am slowly getting there. I am focusing my attention on other things now- business and finance mainly, and my future.
I am confident that I am getting better slowly, it is all just a process :)

Monday, Monday...

Ahh, Monday! I know it has been a minute since I have written, I just haven't had time to go online the last few days. So, quick recap: Saturday- went to Spice with Abby, Mark, Joe and two other girls, went to the museum, went shopping, went out to ice cream, chatted with Abby about marriage and went home, Sunday- went to the gym, worked, and watched television with Mark
Today was a good day too- had work, went to the gym, had a doctors appointment, and now I am just writing in my blog!
Some recent thoughts- I was angry at myself for eating too many sweets and junk food. I want to gain weight, but I want to gain it in the right ways. I got sad when I put on my clothes and they just don't fit me anymore. I am dedicated to getting healthy- in the right ways...
I just wanted to paste what my mom wrote to me today. She is the most beautiful person I have ever known. I am so blessed to have her in my life:


Hola!!!

Ok.. so, i re-painted the front steps.? Cleaned my new grill - the lamb chops dirtied it, took care?of the cingular bill - text messaging charges, and followed up to better understand the HP bill, and ate lunch.? That's a lot to get done - it's only 12:26.? And now, I decided to write to you, before I change into my bathing suit and go in the pool....
Daddy asked me yesterday.. "what did you and Erica used to do in the pool all day long, did you really just float?"? and my answer was.? yes,, we floated and talked all afternoon.? Dad then said..."about what/"? and my response.. mom and daughter stuff.? I miss that, Erica - just floating and drinking our wine coolers and talking,, playing stupid word games.? Remember when I had you throw the bottle in the woods because Dad came home:::: hahahhahahahaah.. I confessed that to him, yesterday, he actually remembered that day and hearing a crash in the woods and us telling him it was the squirrels -LOL.? Well, I look forward to other memories we will share, I love just being with you and talking.?

You have grown up and matured so beautifully, I am so proud of you.? You are a beautiful person, both inside and out and bright as well.? Never put yourself down, you truly have so much to offer and the sky is the limit for you in anything you chose to do.? No one is perfect, inside or out.. we just want you to be happy and to be a good person.? Be yourself and let others love you for?who you are - never try to be something you arent, it's not real.?

Well, I starting to either sweat up here in the hot room or shedding a few tears as I write.? So,.. have a great rest of the day at work.? Let me know how your MD appointment goes and have a blast tonight with your friends, Karoke!!!!!!! Strut your stuff, and blow them all away!!! You should Call David Lui, and tell him to come see you tonight, that you have a performance...hahahhaahahah.j/k.

I love you more than anything in this world,,, more than you can imagine. . just be healthy and happy, that's all I ask from you.


Love always,

your mom and best friend.. 4 eva? ?


She loves and cares for me so much... I will not let her down :)

Until later,
Think of the lady on the subway... Don't be her

What a night, what a morning!

So last night I ended up going back to Harvard (what else is new?) but also did something that I haven't done in a while: I got drunk.
It started off with me saying "no" to a margarita that Jeff made, but I slowly got coaxed into it. After just 2 and 1/2 drinks, I was gone! What a lightweight I am! My tolerance is really really low since I haven't drunk since Christmas break really. I stopped drinking because I thought it would make me fat but now I realize just how dumb that thought really was. Once in a while, a good time with your friends is worth it all. I refused to stay at Harvard with the guys though, so I went home. The sad part is, is that all of this took place before 9:30 p.m. Sad, I know.
So, today I am feeling too skinny. I hate these ups and downs, but I know that they are all part of the process of recovery.
My dad called me today to talk about investing some of my accident money in the stock market. I have been more interested in the stocks lately actually just because I like looking at money and the way it works in our society. I also suggested that him and I get away together. I know he feels badly that him and I aren't closer, so I am trying out this thing to get him and I better acquainted.
I went to the gym this morning, and now I am about to head back to my home... what a boring day. At least I don't have a hangover!

Until Later,
love yourself

TGIF, I suppose

It is Friday! I am toying with the idea of going home tonight, but I am not sure if I really want to do that. The trip is kind of long to go home home, and I might see my parents next weekend if I so choose to go to RI. Kind of not worth it...
Today, I got in to lab early and I was without a partner. I did all 44 wells of reactions on my own...phew! I also changed media and split my cells. All in all, it is about 1:30 and I am almost done for the day which makes me oh so happy. I just got the PCR results and the melting curve looks great!!! What a great day :)
Plus, I also feel good about myself and my body today. I am not quite sure why I haven't been these past few days. Perhaps it is because I have been eating more consciously and kicking myself over it/ brooding when I definitely shouldn't be combined with the fact I haven't been working out as rigorously. Those two things put together just make me feel kind of crappy.

All in all, a good day... heading out now :)
Sunny thoughts!

5 am on the 5th

I woke up at 5 this morning to go to the gym because I had been feeling crappy about my body. I feel like I have been eating poorly these past few days so I feel kind of fat/ flabby. I also have been going to the gym every other day, part of the reason I fee l crappy about my body as well.
I ate TOTAL with a strawberry and some grapes for breakfast, and a salad, orange, and lite smoothie for lunch. I hope to have a good dinner tonight of some sort... perhaps some chicken, veggies, toast and some berries for desert- that is what I hope...
Work is nice today since I have nothing to really do... I may even get to get out early from lab!!! Sweet!!!
Nothing really going on today. Just feeling a bit crappy about my body :(

Until Later

July 4th- Made a bit better

My 4th got a little bit better since the last time I wrote. I ended up meeting with Joe and going in to Boston for a while which turned out to be fun. There were some concerts and things going on in the streets during the day. It started to get a bit cloudy and so we headed back to campus where he tried to hook up with me, but I wasn't having it. I went that route once before and am not willing to go there again. He wasn't that great anyway... so unexperienced.
I went back to campus, had some food (and made it a point to have dessert which I am kind of blank feeling about it) and then I came to Harvard where I am hanging out with David, Jeff and Mike's roommate. He is so nice- and curious about this secretive blog! He always catches me making it and he wonders what it is all about...
Any way, I have to get going- we are watching some movie/ tv episodes! Happy 4thhhhhh

Crazy 4th!

While I had anticipated a rather dull day, I did not realize just HOW dull it was going to be. I woke up at around 9 a.m. which is really late for me. I watched some television and then went on a really quick jog just to get my heart pumping. I took a shower and realized I hadn't eaten any breakfast. I had a large salad, piece of bread, and some berries for lunch and then headed out to Harvard to see if anything was going on... nothing is.
It is days like today that make me really want to go home and appreciate my family. Everyone seems to be with their family today which makes me sad that mine is so far away. Either that, or people are just not doing anything at all which strikes me as odd. I know of a lot going on later tonight with the fireworks or JP called (a friend/hookup/lab partner) and said I could be his guest to a 4th party which I may just do if nothing better pans up. I just want an old fashioned good time today: playing with friends, frisbee, lounging, talking, cookout with steak and salad and strawberry shortcake, fireworks by the water, and just relaxation... doesn't seem like that is possible.
Andrew turned out to be freaking weird which is no surprise o me because when aren't the guys I go for letdowns? He has medicated ADHD and it SHOWS. He can't focus on anything at all and it is really annoying- not something I want to deal with at all. Jeff called me last night, a screaming drunk... it was pretty funny though. Now Andrew is calling me to go to the fireworks tonight- I'd rather not thank you.
So tomorrow, I am meeting with Professor Liu to go over some orgo with him... god is he a gorgeous person. Honestly, he has such a pure heart that I admire so much. I want to be the female form of him (which will NEVER happen) but still.
I hope that the 4th turns out to be a bit better than it is now. My friend Joe and I are meeting up soon and I am just waiting for him.

Wishing for the stereotypical 4th,
E

Oh Joy!

Wow! Since my last post, things have taken off indeed! I left lab and ended up going to CVS to buy some snacks in my effort to eat a bit more in the day. I got on the T to go home and then an announcement came on saying that a car had broken down at Harvard Station and we would need to go to Park St., transfer on to a bus, and take a bus all the way in to Alewife. You would not believe the mass confusion! It was ridiculous. I met an older gentleman named Jack who was extremely nice and he jokingly suggested we get a cab. Needless to say, we should have. Two hours later, I got home and quickly ran to eat some dinner. On my way home, on the crowded bus, I got a call from the Tyra Show and was informed that my mom and I got the tickets I applied for a while back. I am so excited! August 16th, 2:00 p.m. show! My mom and I are going to make a little getaway with it!
A couple of things I noted on my way home- first of all, I kind of liked having the subway trouble today. Yeah, it was a waste of time but it was nice how everyone came together and shared an equal hatred of being put out of the way. It seriously made people talk to each other and made things a bit more cheerful. It was, in a way, nice. I also noted that Jack probably wanted on my bones in a good way, even though he was at least 60. He talked to me and hoped that we would see each other again sometime. I thought he was such a nice guy.
While using the spec. today, I was listening in on the lab workers' conversation about their husbands and how they were proposed to. I grew all warm inside thinking about the day, and the man that will someday love me so much that he will want to spend the rest of his life with me. It was such a great thought... but it is so far away!
I am now at Harvard, at the library doing some work and looking up information on the Tyra Show. I had a good dinner, a bit too much fruit, but that is okay. I am hoping to meet up with Andrew tonight, or chill with the guys in DeWolfe... we will see.

Hopefully tomorrow I will post!
Happy 4th almost!

Rough Night, Better Day

So, last night I had a bit of drama and upset: I felt that I had eaten way too much at dinner and was feeling horribly about myself. I ended up crying a bit in my room, then decided to go to Harvard to work off some steam- just see people and try to forget what I had eaten at dinner. I called my mom, thinking she would give me some source of solace, but instead, she got extremely angry and upset with me. She didn't like the fact that I used the words "shouldn't" and "didn't deserve to..." when talking about eating. She is right, though. For someone who weighs merely 97 lbs, eating more should pose no problem. In fact, I SHOULD be eating more. I just didn't like the way that I ate more: ice creams, yogurt, beans, strange things. It upset me that I went kind of out of control with my eating when I have been so good lately. I felt like crap afterwards. I ended up going to brainbreak with Justin, my friend from Harvard, and eating an apple with some yogurt and granola- even MORE food. But perhaps my mom is right: my body is wanting more food. I ate that much at dinner, and didn't end up feeling too full meaning that my body really wanted some more to eat. It was just strange so see myself putting THAT much food in to my body, it got me scared and angry. My mom called back and apologized for getting so upset, but she does have some points. I know she is just so worried about me, and that is the exact reason why I am trying to get better: 1) FOR MYSELF 2) because I don't want them to worry about me. I resisted the urge to work out because I was so tired, which is something I would have done during the school year. I didn't though, and I am happy for that. I just have the mentality now like, "it is over and done with. I ate what I ate, I enjoyed the food while eating it, so fuck it. Start better today..." I suppose that is what is good about eating- you always have the chance to re-do it and work at it each day. Some may see this as a downfalll, but I don't.
I cried yesterday mainly because I miss my parents. I just am not really enjoying spending my summer all cooped up- oh well.
Today, I woke up really early (5:00 am) and went to the gym, had a balanced breakfast, came to lab, ate a small lunch (too small in my opinion), went to a stupid lab meeting, and now am about to leave. I don't have work tomorrow (WOOHOOOOOO!!!) so I plan on just relaxing tonight. It is a better day now, and last nights episode made me realize that while I have come a long way, I still have long to go before I am perfectly okay with eating.

Until Later- Positive Thoughts

Sluggish Monday Morning

I had a bit of trouble sleeping last night. It could be the stone hard mattress I sleep on every night, or perhaps it was because I had a lot on my mind.
I went out with Andrew last night. He is such a gentleman! We went and had some coffee at Peete's Coffee Shop in the square and we had great conversation. We just talked about what we like to do and what we are involved in in school. Turns out, him and I are really similar. He took a year off between Freshman and Sophomore year to do some traveling, which makes him a bit older than most Seniors, but when have I been one to discriminate with age? We ended up going back to his place, watching some television, relaxing and he drove me back to my place and even walked me to the door. He said that he is excited to take me to dinner tomorrow, and I am excited to go with him! Newbury Street??? I'm there! Plus, he did kiss me...good kisser I must say.
I got back and ended up just going to sleep. I woke up a couple of times during the night and now I am tired this morning. My body hurts- must have had a good workout yesterday. I called my mom and dished to her about all of the details of my date. She is so funny because she always wants to know everything about everything: what did he wear? was he funny? was he a gentleman? what kind of car did he drive? do you see potential? The list of questions goes on and on! But I love her to death- seriously I do. She is my best friend, my mother, my everything.
I am just a bit "blah" about the whole thing though, and I am sure you can tell. It has been a while since I felt those butterflies you are supposed to get when meeting someone special. While Andrew is special, I just don't feel those butterflies which makes me a bit apprehensive about this whole thing. I do want to go on another date to see if I feel any different. Since Joe, my ex, it has been so hard for me to be intimate with anyone. I have been open, but I just haven't really had that feeling of "oh my God, I can't WAIT to see this person again!" It scares me to think that I may not feel like that ever again. Every girl knows that that is the best feeling in the world! Plus, I am 19- aren't I supposed to have a sex drive? I really don't have one. Strange I know, but honestly I am more of an emotions type of girl than a physical type of girl. I am excited to go out to dinner with Andrew though. I just want to see him again in a more intimate setting.
So, I noticed a couple of things in my travels. First, when I was walking to the T-stop yesterday, I saw a house with a giant balloon in front of it that said, "1." There were tables set up outside, solo cups, and a quaint family bustling around to get things together. It reminded me of the times when I was little and we had family birthday parties at my YiaYia's house. At the time, I really didn't think much of it and actually, I didn't really like going to the parties as a kid- too much noise, too much family, and too much period. I suddenly got a little bit empty inside and I realized, "wow, I really wish my family still did this kind of stuff." I miss my family- not my nouno and nouna, but my REAL family: my mom, dad, brother, Popu Archie, and YiaYia Nancy. I regret not caring about all those times when my family was together. I wish that we could have a moment together again, but rarely do these occasions come up anymore. I smiled to myself and made a wish for the little baby whose birthday it was: that she would not take for granted the times with her family. I also thought, "wow, only ONE year old." That baby's life is just starting, so new! Also, I realized that that baby is going to be growing up in a world that I and my classmates are going to be running... that thought scared me a bit.
Secondly, I realized how much I hate the summer school students that are milling about Harvard Yard, acting like they are ACTUAL students there, and giving me attitude when they come in to the gym- a pet peeve really. It also gets me when Asian tourists come and basically stalk you when you are on the computer in the Science Center. They act so immature and they run around like chickens with their heads cut off. YET, they expect to get in to Harvard in the future... sickening really.
I am at work right now, waiting for our reactions to complete. I have a doctors appointment to go to at 3:30, then Drew Faust (new president of Harvard) invited people to join her today in the yard for some drinks and stuff. I will definitely go there. No gym for me today, too tired out.

Until another posting,
Smile and take care

After Work, Afterthoughts

So I got off work a little while ago and ate dinner at my favorite spot B-Good. I really didn't have too much to eat today so I was starving! Work was okay: annoying because all of the summer school kids are around, long because I was hungry, and boring because I just swipe cards... nice job :)
Guess what? Andrew called- the guy from yesterday that I met on my way to the date with Mike. I was really happy he called because he is really cute and he seems to be my type. We are getting dinner later this week on Newbury Street- omg, such a nice part of Boston- and we are grabbing some coffee tonight. I feel badly because I look like crap, actually I look cute but not enough for a date: pink sweatpants, tight top... I guess I am okay for it. I am so excited- I hope he is as nice as I think he is.
I am feeling good today. It was a nice day out and it was a good day all the way through.

Wish me luck tonight!!!

Good Morning Sunshine

I got in relatively late last night from my Harvard endeavours. I ended up just watching a movie with the guys and leaving at around midnight from the square. What a creepy time of night, let me tell you! So many sketch balls were wandering around either drunk or high. I wondered where their sense of decency was as I looked at most of them with disgust.
I really hate it when those kind of people decide they have the right to hit on you. They come up with a certain drunk swagger, coy smile, and say something crude like, "wow, sexxxy!" or something equally as pathetic. Can one truly believe that that kind of behavior will get them a girl? Guys say they hate wasting their time on things like: girls who tease, girls who are just wanting them for money, etc. If this were true, then how the hell do they expect to get anyone OTHER than those types of girls with lines like that? It is a perplexing thing to me really. Also, when someone does that to me, I feel like saying, "Do you have ANY idea who I am? I am a respectful, kind person, a Harvard undergraduate who is NOT interested in your so called 'game' that you are spitting. Perhaps it can work on some two cent hoe, but I am nothing of the sort." It really gets to me when guys do that... if you couldn't tell.
My amazing friend Trish called me last night for solace and advice on guy troubles (what girl doesn't have those?). It was nice talking to her because she is another person whom I really admire for their healthy outlook on life. In comparison with Abby, Trish has a more happy and kind of "awe" outlook on things. I noticed this about her when we were on tour together with the Radcliffe Choral Society. She always seemed to be awed by things around her, totally taking them in with all 5 senses. It wasn't enough for her to just see something- she had to taste, hear, smell, and feel it too. She took every moment, and savored its "flavor" which made me realize just how FAST I went through life. She is such a great person and I really think that she will get through her tough time with the best of spirits.
I have work at the gym today from 1-5 and then I am just going to relax and take it easy. I hope to get more orgo done at work, but the gossip magazines always seem to call me from the shelves.
My goal for the rest of the summer, is to set goals for the day and the week in an attempt to guide myself more towards being a happy, healthy person. So, today, my goal is to remember that "today is a good day- I woke up today" and that beauty really does start and come from within. This week, I want to work on spending time with the people I care about the most. Since it is July 4th week, that might not be as difficult as I think. As hard as it has been for me to believe and do all of these things... I know that I am really starting to. I feel more beautiful, more happy and a bit more satisfied with life. My mind is getting more clear, and now I just have to work on making me feel better about my body and my curves... loving myself more. Whether it be naked, sans makeup, or clothed- I am beautiful.

Until Later ;)

Dinner and My Day

I just got back from the date with Mike. I think he knows now where I stand considering I told him I gave another guy my number right before we sat down to eat. I feel a bit better about things now. We went to Grafton Street Restaurant and had a great meal. I had some reservations about eating dinner out- my paranoia that I am trying to overcome with eating- but then I tasted the fresh sea scallops, mushroom risotto, and herb salad and forgot my fears. I hate eating at nice restaurants though because it is all about presentation and not quantity. I am a hungry girl- I eat American proportions of healthy food. Mike is really a cheap guy so we didn't get any desert so I am actually a bit hungry. Oh well...
Abby and I had SUCH a nice day together. We talked, sat out by the river, tanned, relaxed, went out to lunch, and just had a girl day. I love having girl talk with my friends because in high school, I never really had that kind of relationship with any of my girl friends. It was great to finally have those heart to heart talks with a close girl, not just a guy.
Right now, I took over Mike's computer and I am just writing. We are all kind of just hanging out. Random thought: I am feeling kind of crappy about my body right now since I ate dinner. My arms feel fatter and I know it is all in my head, but I still feel kind of gross. This is a sign that I am still not completely over my fears and insecurities with my body, but I am happy that I did go out and eat because I had a really great time. Bah... I hate this constant pulling of my emotions. I wish I could just go out and do it without thinking twice- I feel like I am on my way but it is harder than just telling someone, "eat." I just need to remind myself of that lady I saw in the subway and remember that vision of her, the wedding ring, and that emaciated figure... gross...
Anyhow, I am also kind of just wanting to be with someone to share these nights with, someone NOT just a friend. Someone special. But I am not willing to settle because I am better than that... so I must wait and see what comes to me. Speaking of coming, on my way to dinner with Mike, this totally cute guy named Andrew came up to me and asked me for my number- quite interesting ;) I was kind of surprised, but it intrigues me. Why not? Don't I deserve a shot at something special? Yeah, I know I have some insecurities but what kind of girl doesn't.
Until tomorrow---

Update

Yesterday, I ended up leaving rather late from work which just added on to the perfect day I was already having. I did have an interesting encounter though which made me really think about my body and my weight.
I was on the T heading to Harvard and on came this woman holding a few bags of clothes from Ralph Lauren. She was probably in her late 20's, early 30's and was wearing a wedding ring. She sounds normal, but there was one thing about her that really scared the shit out of me: she was anorexic hard core. I mean, all she was was a frame- no meat, just skin and bones. She looked like a 12 year old boy with thinning hair and an emaciated figure. I thought to myself, "Oh my God! Is this where I am heading?" and I began to get really scared. I don't want to look like a little boy because I was blessed with a female figure. By not eating, restricting, and working out too much... I am going to turn in to this woman. I thought about how an eating disorder can effect every part of your life, until you die and even your marriage- something I really hope for in the future. I am a hopeless romantic and do think that there is that special someone out there for me. An eating disorder would just get in the way of all my hopes and dreams that I have strived so hard to achieve and continue to strive toward. I then realizes how the things I used to call "fat" or "chub" were just things that separated me from looking like a 12 year old boy and being female. The little bit of "love" on my sides was NORMAL and healthy. Why I didn't know that when I used to make fun or think negatively about those things, I am really not quite sure. One thing I do know, is that I definitely don't want to become like that woman and embrace the little extra that I am hoping to gain back through eating more normally and not depriving myself of the things I love.
I went in to Harvard to visit some friends last night, walked around with Mike and his other roommate, David. I feel like I am spending too much time with Mike, leading him on maybe... but I don't want to lose his friendship. I am so open with him about feelings and thoughts and definitely don't want to lose that in someone. David is his roommate who I think is rather cute and totally sweet. Kind of out of my league in a sense. I ended up leaving Harvard at about midnight and going back to my bed. I did get escorted back to campus by the police officer who was so nice.
I woke up this morning and had TOTAL with some strawberries and cinnamon, some blueberries, and coffee. I worked out at the gym for a bit, called my best best bud Abby (who is such an amazing person, by the way) and soon we are going to sit out by the river and spend some quality time together. We are roomies for next year, along with my other best friends in college Janet and Liz. I heart all of them!!! I got changed in to my bikini- sexy little white number- and am just waiting for Abby to call.
A note about Abby: she really is an amazing person whom I look up to so much. She has the best outlook on life that I strive to have. I feel it is important to have people in your life that you really admire, and then make them your friends so that not only do you have a good friend, but also someone that inspires you every day. She is definitely that someone for me. I wish I had such a positive, healthy outlook on everything- like Abby. After talking with her, I always feel like I should be more cultured: take a trip to wine country in Italy, sip high tea in France, take a cooking class, sew, or take pictures of the beauty of life. She really does see beauty in life- a goal that I currently am working on. I love having conversations with her because I learn something new every time. Even her laugh is so genuine.
The phone just rang, and it was Abby.. Tonight I am going out to dinner with Mike, should I tell him I don't care for him that way??? Dilemmaaaaaa.

until later :)

What a morning AlREADY!

So this morning started out just great. I woke up a bit later than normal which meant I had no time to really beauty myself up today (something I like to do on Fridays). I went to breakfast, had to struggle with the cafeteria manager to get some skim milk for my Special-k and then zoomed off to work. On my walk to the T station, I lost my Charlie Card which totally sucks. I backtracked and looked for it, but I did not find it. Luckily, I put on my sad puppy dog face and talked with the metro man who let me take a ride for free to get to work. Lucky for me that June is almost over and I have to pick up my July metro card today anyway. I walk in to work in some crummy outfit and look like I got run over by the T itself... what a start to a day!
Last night, Mike came over. I really wasn't much in the mood to entertain him really in the beginning but then I realized he really didn't mind just talking to me. Yeah, he made some uncomfortable comments to try to get me to say, "I like you that way," but I didn't fall for them really. I just shyly laughed them off. It is always nice opening up to him, but I just don't see myself with him per se. He left around 11 to go home and I just ended up falling asleep relatively early.
I woke up once though, in the middle of the night. On the TV was this religious lady getting people to wave their hands and scream "Praise the Lord Jesus!" and fall to their knees with "faith." Oh dear... I started to laugh watching these people and then just felt pity for them. What a boat load of crap that all is. It is on television at 3 am for a reason... and that reason is because it is bull shit. People were crying, filled with the Lord- really, the lady was just filling them up with propaganda and garbage. I believe that if you are a good person, no matter what religious denomination you are, you will end up somewhere good in the end. I don't need someone telling me to read a large book, go to a place full of paintings of some man with a toga and a beard, kiss the paintings of some creepy looking men and a supposed "virgin" to end up in a good place when I die. I would love to think that there is a reason to be living, and that is to just do right to other people for my own good. Religion is a point of contention for me, if you couldn't tell...
Anyway, I have to get going on splitting some cells soon... until later

Everyone is Connected

So I ended up leaving lab early and I went to the gym. I told myself that I will take 2-3 days off from going the the gym each week. During the school year, I went in the morning religiously at around 5:30-6:00 a.m. before class. Yeah, I know that sounds neurotic but honestly, it was refreshing and it woke me up and got me off to a great start. Not to mention it was really a stress reliever.
Walking to the T Station is such an interesting adventure every day. While listening to my iPod, on came "Let it Be" by the Beatles. I walk through China Town to get to the building where I work and started looking at all of the people. A store owner was outside of his restaurant with a long look on his face and I wondered, why is he so sad? He has his cigarette, coffee, and a little bag of food- how complicated is his life really? It made me think about how everyone is from a different background, different environment and thus have different responsibilities- different troubles. The same occur ed to me when sitting on the subway looking around at all of the different people. It is amazing- everyone is going somewhere different, live different lives, care about different things and have different troubles. Yet just for a moment in time, we all meet on a subway car and run in to each other. The world is so large, yet so small at the same time.
When coming home from my RI house, I met a guy on the bus back to South Station. He was clad in army gear and respectfully introduced himself as (I will call him) *Andrew. We made small talk and exchanged numbers (he was totally cute) and parted our ways. Later that night, I was lying in bed (when my good thoughts come to me) and realized that I may never see him again. He could go to war, die, and that would be it- just another number or casualty that we hear about on the television. The war never was close to me before until that moment. Although I had just met him, I felt a connection to him- one of the connection of being in college, a college-kid connection of sorts. To imagine him dying at the hands of some freaking turban wearing asshole, it pisses me off.
They say that we are all connected by 9 degrees. I believe we all are connected closer than that and in various ways. We are all someones child, and I mean that in a TOTALLY nonreligious way. So while we may all lead these different lives and have different things that worry us, we ARE connected. Yeah, the Internet connects us and media does as well, but I am talking about a different, less man made connection.

So, tonight I plan on looking over more organic chem and such. My friend Mike is coming over tonight supposedly. He is certainly a character- has a strange relationship with his girlfriend, now that is over, and so he has been trying for me for a while. It is strange though. He is a nice guy, sweet, kind, and fun loving but sometimes he can really act like an ass. This one time, we went to Starbucks and he didn't even volunteer to get me anything. He can be really cocky as well and it totally doesn't fit who he is 89% of the time. I like him, but don't really feel a spark for him. Other times, I think that I may go for someone like him but then other times I definitely hate him. It is a yo-yo feeling that I hate and I know it is unfair to him but there is nothing that I can do about it. Dragging guys along is something I hate to do. It is wrong and I know that, believe me I do. My mom always told me to give a guy a fair chance and I try to- which then leads to leading a guy on. Totally unfair.
My doctor told me to write down how I am feeling about my body each day. Today, I am feeling okay about it. I know that I am thin, but sometimes I can't help but to feel uncomfortable in my own skin. It is a girl thing I suppose but I wish that I could just say "fuck it, it doesn't matter" but I am at an age when it does.... it does matter. To get a guy, you need to look good. That is a fact of the world. I guess it is just HOW you look good- your personality or your looks. To be honest, I don't think I have enough of a personality to get a guy JUST on that. I have a sense of humor, some brains, but nothing STELLAR that would make a guy accept me if I were an ugly fuck. And I want a good looking guy in return, you know? So I feel a bit more obligated to look good in the eyes of smart, handsome, funny, sweet, honest, single men in their 20's. Is that too much to ask for? Apparently since I have been looking for quite a while now. Most guys in this age bracket are looking for a good screw, but I am not for that at all. There definitely is more to me that deserves to be explored versus just my boobs and privates. I deserve someone great- that is what I believe and what my mom always told me to do. My deepest fear is having to settle on less because HE doesn't exist.
Anyway, I guess I just have to keep looking in the mirror and saying to myself, "you are beautiful and you are thin- you don't have to worry about all the stupid stuff that fat girls need to worry about- so STOP!"
I must go for now and head back to my living quarters. Right now I am at Harvard writing this as Asian tourists stop and stare at the computer screen...extremely annoying and scary.

The Beginning of Blogging

I started hearing about blogging when working in the lab recently and decided that I really wanted to start one myself. Although, I often wonder- who the heck is going to read my blog? who really cares about my life or my thoughts? I know that if I were a random person, I wouldn't want to read about the life of a sophomore in college at all.
Instead of starting off saying everything about myself, I really would rather start writing about my every day experiences and such and let my true self come out in my writing and my entries. I feel like whenever you ask someone to explain themselves (like in interviews when they ask you to "tell me about yourself- likes, dislikes, etc"), you never get the accurate picture. Instead, you get a half ass answer because either: a) the person is too shy or modest to really tell you how great they are, or admit to their flaws as a human being in fear that you will find them weak or b) they are too cocky and will give you a highly biased opinion of themselves which, hopefully, people can see right through. I would rather that my every day interactions and thoughts tell you something between the lines, versus me spelling it out for you. Also, this will leave some wiggle room for opinions on me as a person. I know not everyone is going to like me and I am okay with that. This is who I am- take me or leave me.

Today I came in to work a bit early. The lights were off and no one was in sight. I took advantage of this by turning on the radio to my favorite station which no one else in this lab likes at all. The way I saw it was, "hey, I have to listen to your crap all the time, I got in here before you, so ahahahha, my station time!" I sat on the computer and checked my email, facebook, and self.com as usual. I check self.com for that nutritionist blog to see what she is eating- I try to be healthy and such so I try to follow what she is eating or I just get meal ideas for later. My lab partner showed up after that and we started our PCR reactions. Fun Fun Fun... It wasn't half bad though because we made some jokes while pipetting and then we ran our reactions. I had some lunch, came back, and now am starting this blog. I studied some organic chemistry and realized how it isn't TOO TOO bad, but I think I will be in for some long nights next semester (I will be a sophomore at Harvard next year, undergrad). Our results have just come out and now I have to go fetch those and analyze them- boring day number 2... what a summer!