Everyone is Connected

So I ended up leaving lab early and I went to the gym. I told myself that I will take 2-3 days off from going the the gym each week. During the school year, I went in the morning religiously at around 5:30-6:00 a.m. before class. Yeah, I know that sounds neurotic but honestly, it was refreshing and it woke me up and got me off to a great start. Not to mention it was really a stress reliever.
Walking to the T Station is such an interesting adventure every day. While listening to my iPod, on came "Let it Be" by the Beatles. I walk through China Town to get to the building where I work and started looking at all of the people. A store owner was outside of his restaurant with a long look on his face and I wondered, why is he so sad? He has his cigarette, coffee, and a little bag of food- how complicated is his life really? It made me think about how everyone is from a different background, different environment and thus have different responsibilities- different troubles. The same occur ed to me when sitting on the subway looking around at all of the different people. It is amazing- everyone is going somewhere different, live different lives, care about different things and have different troubles. Yet just for a moment in time, we all meet on a subway car and run in to each other. The world is so large, yet so small at the same time.
When coming home from my RI house, I met a guy on the bus back to South Station. He was clad in army gear and respectfully introduced himself as (I will call him) *Andrew. We made small talk and exchanged numbers (he was totally cute) and parted our ways. Later that night, I was lying in bed (when my good thoughts come to me) and realized that I may never see him again. He could go to war, die, and that would be it- just another number or casualty that we hear about on the television. The war never was close to me before until that moment. Although I had just met him, I felt a connection to him- one of the connection of being in college, a college-kid connection of sorts. To imagine him dying at the hands of some freaking turban wearing asshole, it pisses me off.
They say that we are all connected by 9 degrees. I believe we all are connected closer than that and in various ways. We are all someones child, and I mean that in a TOTALLY nonreligious way. So while we may all lead these different lives and have different things that worry us, we ARE connected. Yeah, the Internet connects us and media does as well, but I am talking about a different, less man made connection.

So, tonight I plan on looking over more organic chem and such. My friend Mike is coming over tonight supposedly. He is certainly a character- has a strange relationship with his girlfriend, now that is over, and so he has been trying for me for a while. It is strange though. He is a nice guy, sweet, kind, and fun loving but sometimes he can really act like an ass. This one time, we went to Starbucks and he didn't even volunteer to get me anything. He can be really cocky as well and it totally doesn't fit who he is 89% of the time. I like him, but don't really feel a spark for him. Other times, I think that I may go for someone like him but then other times I definitely hate him. It is a yo-yo feeling that I hate and I know it is unfair to him but there is nothing that I can do about it. Dragging guys along is something I hate to do. It is wrong and I know that, believe me I do. My mom always told me to give a guy a fair chance and I try to- which then leads to leading a guy on. Totally unfair.
My doctor told me to write down how I am feeling about my body each day. Today, I am feeling okay about it. I know that I am thin, but sometimes I can't help but to feel uncomfortable in my own skin. It is a girl thing I suppose but I wish that I could just say "fuck it, it doesn't matter" but I am at an age when it does.... it does matter. To get a guy, you need to look good. That is a fact of the world. I guess it is just HOW you look good- your personality or your looks. To be honest, I don't think I have enough of a personality to get a guy JUST on that. I have a sense of humor, some brains, but nothing STELLAR that would make a guy accept me if I were an ugly fuck. And I want a good looking guy in return, you know? So I feel a bit more obligated to look good in the eyes of smart, handsome, funny, sweet, honest, single men in their 20's. Is that too much to ask for? Apparently since I have been looking for quite a while now. Most guys in this age bracket are looking for a good screw, but I am not for that at all. There definitely is more to me that deserves to be explored versus just my boobs and privates. I deserve someone great- that is what I believe and what my mom always told me to do. My deepest fear is having to settle on less because HE doesn't exist.
Anyway, I guess I just have to keep looking in the mirror and saying to myself, "you are beautiful and you are thin- you don't have to worry about all the stupid stuff that fat girls need to worry about- so STOP!"
I must go for now and head back to my living quarters. Right now I am at Harvard writing this as Asian tourists stop and stare at the computer screen...extremely annoying and scary.