It has been a while

Wow, I knew that I was bad at keeping up with this crap but honestly, I guess I didn't realize just HOW bad I was at it!
I am finally done with the summer research and am damn happy to be out of Medford! I think that it was just about time for me to leave. I had just my good amount of seeing my friends and staying at school before it started to get a little bit old. Now, a whole month away from it all will make it that much better when I have to go back on the 11th of September.
However, home isn't as great as I had anticipated. My mom took a job as a telemarketer and has no time to really spend with me and my dad hasn't been feeling well enough to really do much either. Because I burnt bridges with the people from around here, I am kind of alone and bored. Plus, to make matters worse, my parents are monitoring EVERY SINGLE MOVE I make with eating and exercising and it is so annoying. It is not like I am aware that my mom calls purposely to make sure that I am not exercising or to make sure that I am eating enough. My dad is always annoying with things and makes the situation that much more awkward too. I just wish they would leave me alone. I am old enough to deal with my problems and was doing just fine with it when I was on my own. Them pressuring me, making me feel guilty about every move I make, doesn't make matters any easier. I understand- they are concerned parents and just want what is best for me, but there is a line and they definitely have crossed it.
I am going to see the Tyra Show tomorrow with my mom which should be nice alone time with her. I am sure I can talk to her about all of this stuff when we are at dinner. We shall see...
CALI here I come, in about a week from tomorrow! I am excited to see Liz, but more excited to be on my own for a bit. It is going to be nice to just get away from everyone here and see my best friend.FUN FUN!
Until next time (which, with my track record could be a while) wish me luck with my parents!
<3 e

Where my Inspiration is

Today, my favorite T person who hands out the BostonNow metro reading in the morning got on the second page and was voted the "Promoter of the Month." I can't tell you what an impact that woman has had on me. When I get off the T in the morning, I really look forward to seeing her. She is always happy and smiling and her voice is so recognizable. How someone with such a low-paying, dead end job, and no money can get up every morning and be happy... now THAT is amazing. She is an inspirational person to me, honestly. I have told her this before. She is the woman who says things like, "Smile! Today is a good day- you woke up today" and "Thank God for the day" and really means them. During my healing time, recovering from an eating disorder, I have come back to what she says many times and smile. For example, today I wasn't feeling too happy until I saw her and she said that "a positive day starts by having a positive attitude" which is so true. I feel like she was sent to this earth to do this job, and touch lives in ways that perhaps only a few people realize. I hope that someday I can have such a positive outlook on things and know how to deal with the days when I DO feel like crap. For now, I look to the woman off the T for inspiration and drive.
Right now, I am missing my mom (another inspirational person to me). I find comfort in her smile and hugs and KNOW that everything will be all right. I am healing myself for myself, but also for her. She gets so sad when she sees me and I am tired of being an object of worry to her. Granted, I will always be on her mind but I don't want it to be because of an eating disorder. Wednesday, she came and we shared an awesome dinner together and a wonderful evening. She gives the best advice... I love her too much!
Tonight, I should be going to my friend JP's house with Abby for an all night drinking fest. Abby and I don't really drink that much so we are just going, to do something tonight. It should be a good time, an interesting time really.
This weekend, I need to get together some data for Monday's mini presentation and study for the MCAT's as well as look at more business things. I want to go to Barnes and Nobel or something and read up on it, perhaps even the library... we will see how much time I have.
I am at work right now, waiting for the PCR to finish and some stuff to get done. Shouldn't be too bad of a day.

It has been a while!

I know that it has been a while since my last post, so sorry for that! I will just write to inform you of what is going on in my life right now, rather than trying to remember the stupid things from these last few days:
This weekend I am going to RI to see my mom and my dad. I am semi-excited just because things with Bryan are going great and I know that I will be thinking of him this weekend. I just don't want to get too close, too soon like I usually do so I feel that these next 3 nights I will go without seeing him, will be beneficial for the two of us. We are going to the SOX game on Monday night which makes me soooo excited!
Bryan- he is nice, funny, thoughtful, spontaneous, understanding, gentle, and a gentleman... soooo where is the catch 22? I am just waiting for it! I think Monday's date will definitely tell me more about my feelings for him. I am on the fence a bit, but overall, I think he is a great guy and he definitely has potential to BE something to me. Kind of exciting but I am not getting my hopes up...
I have been feeling more beautiful lately. I try to tell myself that every day. I have even been feeling too thin which makes me sad sometimes. I look in the mirror and say, "gross- you need to gain weight" but instead of chiding myself for things, I am trying to just be happy with who I am and what God has given me. I will never be a swimsuit model, I can just be the best I can be with what I have. I still hold some reservations about certain foods, but I am definitely getting over them. I have been eating more, and I have not lost weight which makes me upset in my mind, but is sort of satisfying to know that I can eat more and not blow up like a balloon. I just want to be FEMININE and healthy above all. I struggle with it each day, but am slowly getting there. I am focusing my attention on other things now- business and finance mainly, and my future.
I am confident that I am getting better slowly, it is all just a process :)

Monday, Monday...

Ahh, Monday! I know it has been a minute since I have written, I just haven't had time to go online the last few days. So, quick recap: Saturday- went to Spice with Abby, Mark, Joe and two other girls, went to the museum, went shopping, went out to ice cream, chatted with Abby about marriage and went home, Sunday- went to the gym, worked, and watched television with Mark
Today was a good day too- had work, went to the gym, had a doctors appointment, and now I am just writing in my blog!
Some recent thoughts- I was angry at myself for eating too many sweets and junk food. I want to gain weight, but I want to gain it in the right ways. I got sad when I put on my clothes and they just don't fit me anymore. I am dedicated to getting healthy- in the right ways...
I just wanted to paste what my mom wrote to me today. She is the most beautiful person I have ever known. I am so blessed to have her in my life:


Hola!!!

Ok.. so, i re-painted the front steps.? Cleaned my new grill - the lamb chops dirtied it, took care?of the cingular bill - text messaging charges, and followed up to better understand the HP bill, and ate lunch.? That's a lot to get done - it's only 12:26.? And now, I decided to write to you, before I change into my bathing suit and go in the pool....
Daddy asked me yesterday.. "what did you and Erica used to do in the pool all day long, did you really just float?"? and my answer was.? yes,, we floated and talked all afternoon.? Dad then said..."about what/"? and my response.. mom and daughter stuff.? I miss that, Erica - just floating and drinking our wine coolers and talking,, playing stupid word games.? Remember when I had you throw the bottle in the woods because Dad came home:::: hahahhahahahaah.. I confessed that to him, yesterday, he actually remembered that day and hearing a crash in the woods and us telling him it was the squirrels -LOL.? Well, I look forward to other memories we will share, I love just being with you and talking.?

You have grown up and matured so beautifully, I am so proud of you.? You are a beautiful person, both inside and out and bright as well.? Never put yourself down, you truly have so much to offer and the sky is the limit for you in anything you chose to do.? No one is perfect, inside or out.. we just want you to be happy and to be a good person.? Be yourself and let others love you for?who you are - never try to be something you arent, it's not real.?

Well, I starting to either sweat up here in the hot room or shedding a few tears as I write.? So,.. have a great rest of the day at work.? Let me know how your MD appointment goes and have a blast tonight with your friends, Karoke!!!!!!! Strut your stuff, and blow them all away!!! You should Call David Lui, and tell him to come see you tonight, that you have a performance...hahahhaahahah.j/k.

I love you more than anything in this world,,, more than you can imagine. . just be healthy and happy, that's all I ask from you.


Love always,

your mom and best friend.. 4 eva? ?


She loves and cares for me so much... I will not let her down :)

Until later,
Think of the lady on the subway... Don't be her

What a night, what a morning!

So last night I ended up going back to Harvard (what else is new?) but also did something that I haven't done in a while: I got drunk.
It started off with me saying "no" to a margarita that Jeff made, but I slowly got coaxed into it. After just 2 and 1/2 drinks, I was gone! What a lightweight I am! My tolerance is really really low since I haven't drunk since Christmas break really. I stopped drinking because I thought it would make me fat but now I realize just how dumb that thought really was. Once in a while, a good time with your friends is worth it all. I refused to stay at Harvard with the guys though, so I went home. The sad part is, is that all of this took place before 9:30 p.m. Sad, I know.
So, today I am feeling too skinny. I hate these ups and downs, but I know that they are all part of the process of recovery.
My dad called me today to talk about investing some of my accident money in the stock market. I have been more interested in the stocks lately actually just because I like looking at money and the way it works in our society. I also suggested that him and I get away together. I know he feels badly that him and I aren't closer, so I am trying out this thing to get him and I better acquainted.
I went to the gym this morning, and now I am about to head back to my home... what a boring day. At least I don't have a hangover!

Until Later,
love yourself

TGIF, I suppose

It is Friday! I am toying with the idea of going home tonight, but I am not sure if I really want to do that. The trip is kind of long to go home home, and I might see my parents next weekend if I so choose to go to RI. Kind of not worth it...
Today, I got in to lab early and I was without a partner. I did all 44 wells of reactions on my own...phew! I also changed media and split my cells. All in all, it is about 1:30 and I am almost done for the day which makes me oh so happy. I just got the PCR results and the melting curve looks great!!! What a great day :)
Plus, I also feel good about myself and my body today. I am not quite sure why I haven't been these past few days. Perhaps it is because I have been eating more consciously and kicking myself over it/ brooding when I definitely shouldn't be combined with the fact I haven't been working out as rigorously. Those two things put together just make me feel kind of crappy.

All in all, a good day... heading out now :)
Sunny thoughts!

5 am on the 5th

I woke up at 5 this morning to go to the gym because I had been feeling crappy about my body. I feel like I have been eating poorly these past few days so I feel kind of fat/ flabby. I also have been going to the gym every other day, part of the reason I fee l crappy about my body as well.
I ate TOTAL with a strawberry and some grapes for breakfast, and a salad, orange, and lite smoothie for lunch. I hope to have a good dinner tonight of some sort... perhaps some chicken, veggies, toast and some berries for desert- that is what I hope...
Work is nice today since I have nothing to really do... I may even get to get out early from lab!!! Sweet!!!
Nothing really going on today. Just feeling a bit crappy about my body :(

Until Later