Rough Night, Better Day

So, last night I had a bit of drama and upset: I felt that I had eaten way too much at dinner and was feeling horribly about myself. I ended up crying a bit in my room, then decided to go to Harvard to work off some steam- just see people and try to forget what I had eaten at dinner. I called my mom, thinking she would give me some source of solace, but instead, she got extremely angry and upset with me. She didn't like the fact that I used the words "shouldn't" and "didn't deserve to..." when talking about eating. She is right, though. For someone who weighs merely 97 lbs, eating more should pose no problem. In fact, I SHOULD be eating more. I just didn't like the way that I ate more: ice creams, yogurt, beans, strange things. It upset me that I went kind of out of control with my eating when I have been so good lately. I felt like crap afterwards. I ended up going to brainbreak with Justin, my friend from Harvard, and eating an apple with some yogurt and granola- even MORE food. But perhaps my mom is right: my body is wanting more food. I ate that much at dinner, and didn't end up feeling too full meaning that my body really wanted some more to eat. It was just strange so see myself putting THAT much food in to my body, it got me scared and angry. My mom called back and apologized for getting so upset, but she does have some points. I know she is just so worried about me, and that is the exact reason why I am trying to get better: 1) FOR MYSELF 2) because I don't want them to worry about me. I resisted the urge to work out because I was so tired, which is something I would have done during the school year. I didn't though, and I am happy for that. I just have the mentality now like, "it is over and done with. I ate what I ate, I enjoyed the food while eating it, so fuck it. Start better today..." I suppose that is what is good about eating- you always have the chance to re-do it and work at it each day. Some may see this as a downfalll, but I don't.
I cried yesterday mainly because I miss my parents. I just am not really enjoying spending my summer all cooped up- oh well.
Today, I woke up really early (5:00 am) and went to the gym, had a balanced breakfast, came to lab, ate a small lunch (too small in my opinion), went to a stupid lab meeting, and now am about to leave. I don't have work tomorrow (WOOHOOOOOO!!!) so I plan on just relaxing tonight. It is a better day now, and last nights episode made me realize that while I have come a long way, I still have long to go before I am perfectly okay with eating.

Until Later- Positive Thoughts