Where my Inspiration is

Today, my favorite T person who hands out the BostonNow metro reading in the morning got on the second page and was voted the "Promoter of the Month." I can't tell you what an impact that woman has had on me. When I get off the T in the morning, I really look forward to seeing her. She is always happy and smiling and her voice is so recognizable. How someone with such a low-paying, dead end job, and no money can get up every morning and be happy... now THAT is amazing. She is an inspirational person to me, honestly. I have told her this before. She is the woman who says things like, "Smile! Today is a good day- you woke up today" and "Thank God for the day" and really means them. During my healing time, recovering from an eating disorder, I have come back to what she says many times and smile. For example, today I wasn't feeling too happy until I saw her and she said that "a positive day starts by having a positive attitude" which is so true. I feel like she was sent to this earth to do this job, and touch lives in ways that perhaps only a few people realize. I hope that someday I can have such a positive outlook on things and know how to deal with the days when I DO feel like crap. For now, I look to the woman off the T for inspiration and drive.
Right now, I am missing my mom (another inspirational person to me). I find comfort in her smile and hugs and KNOW that everything will be all right. I am healing myself for myself, but also for her. She gets so sad when she sees me and I am tired of being an object of worry to her. Granted, I will always be on her mind but I don't want it to be because of an eating disorder. Wednesday, she came and we shared an awesome dinner together and a wonderful evening. She gives the best advice... I love her too much!
Tonight, I should be going to my friend JP's house with Abby for an all night drinking fest. Abby and I don't really drink that much so we are just going, to do something tonight. It should be a good time, an interesting time really.
This weekend, I need to get together some data for Monday's mini presentation and study for the MCAT's as well as look at more business things. I want to go to Barnes and Nobel or something and read up on it, perhaps even the library... we will see how much time I have.
I am at work right now, waiting for the PCR to finish and some stuff to get done. Shouldn't be too bad of a day.

It has been a while!

I know that it has been a while since my last post, so sorry for that! I will just write to inform you of what is going on in my life right now, rather than trying to remember the stupid things from these last few days:
This weekend I am going to RI to see my mom and my dad. I am semi-excited just because things with Bryan are going great and I know that I will be thinking of him this weekend. I just don't want to get too close, too soon like I usually do so I feel that these next 3 nights I will go without seeing him, will be beneficial for the two of us. We are going to the SOX game on Monday night which makes me soooo excited!
Bryan- he is nice, funny, thoughtful, spontaneous, understanding, gentle, and a gentleman... soooo where is the catch 22? I am just waiting for it! I think Monday's date will definitely tell me more about my feelings for him. I am on the fence a bit, but overall, I think he is a great guy and he definitely has potential to BE something to me. Kind of exciting but I am not getting my hopes up...
I have been feeling more beautiful lately. I try to tell myself that every day. I have even been feeling too thin which makes me sad sometimes. I look in the mirror and say, "gross- you need to gain weight" but instead of chiding myself for things, I am trying to just be happy with who I am and what God has given me. I will never be a swimsuit model, I can just be the best I can be with what I have. I still hold some reservations about certain foods, but I am definitely getting over them. I have been eating more, and I have not lost weight which makes me upset in my mind, but is sort of satisfying to know that I can eat more and not blow up like a balloon. I just want to be FEMININE and healthy above all. I struggle with it each day, but am slowly getting there. I am focusing my attention on other things now- business and finance mainly, and my future.
I am confident that I am getting better slowly, it is all just a process :)

Monday, Monday...

Ahh, Monday! I know it has been a minute since I have written, I just haven't had time to go online the last few days. So, quick recap: Saturday- went to Spice with Abby, Mark, Joe and two other girls, went to the museum, went shopping, went out to ice cream, chatted with Abby about marriage and went home, Sunday- went to the gym, worked, and watched television with Mark
Today was a good day too- had work, went to the gym, had a doctors appointment, and now I am just writing in my blog!
Some recent thoughts- I was angry at myself for eating too many sweets and junk food. I want to gain weight, but I want to gain it in the right ways. I got sad when I put on my clothes and they just don't fit me anymore. I am dedicated to getting healthy- in the right ways...
I just wanted to paste what my mom wrote to me today. She is the most beautiful person I have ever known. I am so blessed to have her in my life:


Hola!!!

Ok.. so, i re-painted the front steps.? Cleaned my new grill - the lamb chops dirtied it, took care?of the cingular bill - text messaging charges, and followed up to better understand the HP bill, and ate lunch.? That's a lot to get done - it's only 12:26.? And now, I decided to write to you, before I change into my bathing suit and go in the pool....
Daddy asked me yesterday.. "what did you and Erica used to do in the pool all day long, did you really just float?"? and my answer was.? yes,, we floated and talked all afternoon.? Dad then said..."about what/"? and my response.. mom and daughter stuff.? I miss that, Erica - just floating and drinking our wine coolers and talking,, playing stupid word games.? Remember when I had you throw the bottle in the woods because Dad came home:::: hahahhahahahaah.. I confessed that to him, yesterday, he actually remembered that day and hearing a crash in the woods and us telling him it was the squirrels -LOL.? Well, I look forward to other memories we will share, I love just being with you and talking.?

You have grown up and matured so beautifully, I am so proud of you.? You are a beautiful person, both inside and out and bright as well.? Never put yourself down, you truly have so much to offer and the sky is the limit for you in anything you chose to do.? No one is perfect, inside or out.. we just want you to be happy and to be a good person.? Be yourself and let others love you for?who you are - never try to be something you arent, it's not real.?

Well, I starting to either sweat up here in the hot room or shedding a few tears as I write.? So,.. have a great rest of the day at work.? Let me know how your MD appointment goes and have a blast tonight with your friends, Karoke!!!!!!! Strut your stuff, and blow them all away!!! You should Call David Lui, and tell him to come see you tonight, that you have a performance...hahahhaahahah.j/k.

I love you more than anything in this world,,, more than you can imagine. . just be healthy and happy, that's all I ask from you.


Love always,

your mom and best friend.. 4 eva? ?


She loves and cares for me so much... I will not let her down :)

Until later,
Think of the lady on the subway... Don't be her

What a night, what a morning!

So last night I ended up going back to Harvard (what else is new?) but also did something that I haven't done in a while: I got drunk.
It started off with me saying "no" to a margarita that Jeff made, but I slowly got coaxed into it. After just 2 and 1/2 drinks, I was gone! What a lightweight I am! My tolerance is really really low since I haven't drunk since Christmas break really. I stopped drinking because I thought it would make me fat but now I realize just how dumb that thought really was. Once in a while, a good time with your friends is worth it all. I refused to stay at Harvard with the guys though, so I went home. The sad part is, is that all of this took place before 9:30 p.m. Sad, I know.
So, today I am feeling too skinny. I hate these ups and downs, but I know that they are all part of the process of recovery.
My dad called me today to talk about investing some of my accident money in the stock market. I have been more interested in the stocks lately actually just because I like looking at money and the way it works in our society. I also suggested that him and I get away together. I know he feels badly that him and I aren't closer, so I am trying out this thing to get him and I better acquainted.
I went to the gym this morning, and now I am about to head back to my home... what a boring day. At least I don't have a hangover!

Until Later,
love yourself

TGIF, I suppose

It is Friday! I am toying with the idea of going home tonight, but I am not sure if I really want to do that. The trip is kind of long to go home home, and I might see my parents next weekend if I so choose to go to RI. Kind of not worth it...
Today, I got in to lab early and I was without a partner. I did all 44 wells of reactions on my own...phew! I also changed media and split my cells. All in all, it is about 1:30 and I am almost done for the day which makes me oh so happy. I just got the PCR results and the melting curve looks great!!! What a great day :)
Plus, I also feel good about myself and my body today. I am not quite sure why I haven't been these past few days. Perhaps it is because I have been eating more consciously and kicking myself over it/ brooding when I definitely shouldn't be combined with the fact I haven't been working out as rigorously. Those two things put together just make me feel kind of crappy.

All in all, a good day... heading out now :)
Sunny thoughts!

5 am on the 5th

I woke up at 5 this morning to go to the gym because I had been feeling crappy about my body. I feel like I have been eating poorly these past few days so I feel kind of fat/ flabby. I also have been going to the gym every other day, part of the reason I fee l crappy about my body as well.
I ate TOTAL with a strawberry and some grapes for breakfast, and a salad, orange, and lite smoothie for lunch. I hope to have a good dinner tonight of some sort... perhaps some chicken, veggies, toast and some berries for desert- that is what I hope...
Work is nice today since I have nothing to really do... I may even get to get out early from lab!!! Sweet!!!
Nothing really going on today. Just feeling a bit crappy about my body :(

Until Later

July 4th- Made a bit better

My 4th got a little bit better since the last time I wrote. I ended up meeting with Joe and going in to Boston for a while which turned out to be fun. There were some concerts and things going on in the streets during the day. It started to get a bit cloudy and so we headed back to campus where he tried to hook up with me, but I wasn't having it. I went that route once before and am not willing to go there again. He wasn't that great anyway... so unexperienced.
I went back to campus, had some food (and made it a point to have dessert which I am kind of blank feeling about it) and then I came to Harvard where I am hanging out with David, Jeff and Mike's roommate. He is so nice- and curious about this secretive blog! He always catches me making it and he wonders what it is all about...
Any way, I have to get going- we are watching some movie/ tv episodes! Happy 4thhhhhh

Crazy 4th!

While I had anticipated a rather dull day, I did not realize just HOW dull it was going to be. I woke up at around 9 a.m. which is really late for me. I watched some television and then went on a really quick jog just to get my heart pumping. I took a shower and realized I hadn't eaten any breakfast. I had a large salad, piece of bread, and some berries for lunch and then headed out to Harvard to see if anything was going on... nothing is.
It is days like today that make me really want to go home and appreciate my family. Everyone seems to be with their family today which makes me sad that mine is so far away. Either that, or people are just not doing anything at all which strikes me as odd. I know of a lot going on later tonight with the fireworks or JP called (a friend/hookup/lab partner) and said I could be his guest to a 4th party which I may just do if nothing better pans up. I just want an old fashioned good time today: playing with friends, frisbee, lounging, talking, cookout with steak and salad and strawberry shortcake, fireworks by the water, and just relaxation... doesn't seem like that is possible.
Andrew turned out to be freaking weird which is no surprise o me because when aren't the guys I go for letdowns? He has medicated ADHD and it SHOWS. He can't focus on anything at all and it is really annoying- not something I want to deal with at all. Jeff called me last night, a screaming drunk... it was pretty funny though. Now Andrew is calling me to go to the fireworks tonight- I'd rather not thank you.
So tomorrow, I am meeting with Professor Liu to go over some orgo with him... god is he a gorgeous person. Honestly, he has such a pure heart that I admire so much. I want to be the female form of him (which will NEVER happen) but still.
I hope that the 4th turns out to be a bit better than it is now. My friend Joe and I are meeting up soon and I am just waiting for him.

Wishing for the stereotypical 4th,
E

Oh Joy!

Wow! Since my last post, things have taken off indeed! I left lab and ended up going to CVS to buy some snacks in my effort to eat a bit more in the day. I got on the T to go home and then an announcement came on saying that a car had broken down at Harvard Station and we would need to go to Park St., transfer on to a bus, and take a bus all the way in to Alewife. You would not believe the mass confusion! It was ridiculous. I met an older gentleman named Jack who was extremely nice and he jokingly suggested we get a cab. Needless to say, we should have. Two hours later, I got home and quickly ran to eat some dinner. On my way home, on the crowded bus, I got a call from the Tyra Show and was informed that my mom and I got the tickets I applied for a while back. I am so excited! August 16th, 2:00 p.m. show! My mom and I are going to make a little getaway with it!
A couple of things I noted on my way home- first of all, I kind of liked having the subway trouble today. Yeah, it was a waste of time but it was nice how everyone came together and shared an equal hatred of being put out of the way. It seriously made people talk to each other and made things a bit more cheerful. It was, in a way, nice. I also noted that Jack probably wanted on my bones in a good way, even though he was at least 60. He talked to me and hoped that we would see each other again sometime. I thought he was such a nice guy.
While using the spec. today, I was listening in on the lab workers' conversation about their husbands and how they were proposed to. I grew all warm inside thinking about the day, and the man that will someday love me so much that he will want to spend the rest of his life with me. It was such a great thought... but it is so far away!
I am now at Harvard, at the library doing some work and looking up information on the Tyra Show. I had a good dinner, a bit too much fruit, but that is okay. I am hoping to meet up with Andrew tonight, or chill with the guys in DeWolfe... we will see.

Hopefully tomorrow I will post!
Happy 4th almost!

Rough Night, Better Day

So, last night I had a bit of drama and upset: I felt that I had eaten way too much at dinner and was feeling horribly about myself. I ended up crying a bit in my room, then decided to go to Harvard to work off some steam- just see people and try to forget what I had eaten at dinner. I called my mom, thinking she would give me some source of solace, but instead, she got extremely angry and upset with me. She didn't like the fact that I used the words "shouldn't" and "didn't deserve to..." when talking about eating. She is right, though. For someone who weighs merely 97 lbs, eating more should pose no problem. In fact, I SHOULD be eating more. I just didn't like the way that I ate more: ice creams, yogurt, beans, strange things. It upset me that I went kind of out of control with my eating when I have been so good lately. I felt like crap afterwards. I ended up going to brainbreak with Justin, my friend from Harvard, and eating an apple with some yogurt and granola- even MORE food. But perhaps my mom is right: my body is wanting more food. I ate that much at dinner, and didn't end up feeling too full meaning that my body really wanted some more to eat. It was just strange so see myself putting THAT much food in to my body, it got me scared and angry. My mom called back and apologized for getting so upset, but she does have some points. I know she is just so worried about me, and that is the exact reason why I am trying to get better: 1) FOR MYSELF 2) because I don't want them to worry about me. I resisted the urge to work out because I was so tired, which is something I would have done during the school year. I didn't though, and I am happy for that. I just have the mentality now like, "it is over and done with. I ate what I ate, I enjoyed the food while eating it, so fuck it. Start better today..." I suppose that is what is good about eating- you always have the chance to re-do it and work at it each day. Some may see this as a downfalll, but I don't.
I cried yesterday mainly because I miss my parents. I just am not really enjoying spending my summer all cooped up- oh well.
Today, I woke up really early (5:00 am) and went to the gym, had a balanced breakfast, came to lab, ate a small lunch (too small in my opinion), went to a stupid lab meeting, and now am about to leave. I don't have work tomorrow (WOOHOOOOOO!!!) so I plan on just relaxing tonight. It is a better day now, and last nights episode made me realize that while I have come a long way, I still have long to go before I am perfectly okay with eating.

Until Later- Positive Thoughts

Sluggish Monday Morning

I had a bit of trouble sleeping last night. It could be the stone hard mattress I sleep on every night, or perhaps it was because I had a lot on my mind.
I went out with Andrew last night. He is such a gentleman! We went and had some coffee at Peete's Coffee Shop in the square and we had great conversation. We just talked about what we like to do and what we are involved in in school. Turns out, him and I are really similar. He took a year off between Freshman and Sophomore year to do some traveling, which makes him a bit older than most Seniors, but when have I been one to discriminate with age? We ended up going back to his place, watching some television, relaxing and he drove me back to my place and even walked me to the door. He said that he is excited to take me to dinner tomorrow, and I am excited to go with him! Newbury Street??? I'm there! Plus, he did kiss me...good kisser I must say.
I got back and ended up just going to sleep. I woke up a couple of times during the night and now I am tired this morning. My body hurts- must have had a good workout yesterday. I called my mom and dished to her about all of the details of my date. She is so funny because she always wants to know everything about everything: what did he wear? was he funny? was he a gentleman? what kind of car did he drive? do you see potential? The list of questions goes on and on! But I love her to death- seriously I do. She is my best friend, my mother, my everything.
I am just a bit "blah" about the whole thing though, and I am sure you can tell. It has been a while since I felt those butterflies you are supposed to get when meeting someone special. While Andrew is special, I just don't feel those butterflies which makes me a bit apprehensive about this whole thing. I do want to go on another date to see if I feel any different. Since Joe, my ex, it has been so hard for me to be intimate with anyone. I have been open, but I just haven't really had that feeling of "oh my God, I can't WAIT to see this person again!" It scares me to think that I may not feel like that ever again. Every girl knows that that is the best feeling in the world! Plus, I am 19- aren't I supposed to have a sex drive? I really don't have one. Strange I know, but honestly I am more of an emotions type of girl than a physical type of girl. I am excited to go out to dinner with Andrew though. I just want to see him again in a more intimate setting.
So, I noticed a couple of things in my travels. First, when I was walking to the T-stop yesterday, I saw a house with a giant balloon in front of it that said, "1." There were tables set up outside, solo cups, and a quaint family bustling around to get things together. It reminded me of the times when I was little and we had family birthday parties at my YiaYia's house. At the time, I really didn't think much of it and actually, I didn't really like going to the parties as a kid- too much noise, too much family, and too much period. I suddenly got a little bit empty inside and I realized, "wow, I really wish my family still did this kind of stuff." I miss my family- not my nouno and nouna, but my REAL family: my mom, dad, brother, Popu Archie, and YiaYia Nancy. I regret not caring about all those times when my family was together. I wish that we could have a moment together again, but rarely do these occasions come up anymore. I smiled to myself and made a wish for the little baby whose birthday it was: that she would not take for granted the times with her family. I also thought, "wow, only ONE year old." That baby's life is just starting, so new! Also, I realized that that baby is going to be growing up in a world that I and my classmates are going to be running... that thought scared me a bit.
Secondly, I realized how much I hate the summer school students that are milling about Harvard Yard, acting like they are ACTUAL students there, and giving me attitude when they come in to the gym- a pet peeve really. It also gets me when Asian tourists come and basically stalk you when you are on the computer in the Science Center. They act so immature and they run around like chickens with their heads cut off. YET, they expect to get in to Harvard in the future... sickening really.
I am at work right now, waiting for our reactions to complete. I have a doctors appointment to go to at 3:30, then Drew Faust (new president of Harvard) invited people to join her today in the yard for some drinks and stuff. I will definitely go there. No gym for me today, too tired out.

Until another posting,
Smile and take care

After Work, Afterthoughts

So I got off work a little while ago and ate dinner at my favorite spot B-Good. I really didn't have too much to eat today so I was starving! Work was okay: annoying because all of the summer school kids are around, long because I was hungry, and boring because I just swipe cards... nice job :)
Guess what? Andrew called- the guy from yesterday that I met on my way to the date with Mike. I was really happy he called because he is really cute and he seems to be my type. We are getting dinner later this week on Newbury Street- omg, such a nice part of Boston- and we are grabbing some coffee tonight. I feel badly because I look like crap, actually I look cute but not enough for a date: pink sweatpants, tight top... I guess I am okay for it. I am so excited- I hope he is as nice as I think he is.
I am feeling good today. It was a nice day out and it was a good day all the way through.

Wish me luck tonight!!!

Good Morning Sunshine

I got in relatively late last night from my Harvard endeavours. I ended up just watching a movie with the guys and leaving at around midnight from the square. What a creepy time of night, let me tell you! So many sketch balls were wandering around either drunk or high. I wondered where their sense of decency was as I looked at most of them with disgust.
I really hate it when those kind of people decide they have the right to hit on you. They come up with a certain drunk swagger, coy smile, and say something crude like, "wow, sexxxy!" or something equally as pathetic. Can one truly believe that that kind of behavior will get them a girl? Guys say they hate wasting their time on things like: girls who tease, girls who are just wanting them for money, etc. If this were true, then how the hell do they expect to get anyone OTHER than those types of girls with lines like that? It is a perplexing thing to me really. Also, when someone does that to me, I feel like saying, "Do you have ANY idea who I am? I am a respectful, kind person, a Harvard undergraduate who is NOT interested in your so called 'game' that you are spitting. Perhaps it can work on some two cent hoe, but I am nothing of the sort." It really gets to me when guys do that... if you couldn't tell.
My amazing friend Trish called me last night for solace and advice on guy troubles (what girl doesn't have those?). It was nice talking to her because she is another person whom I really admire for their healthy outlook on life. In comparison with Abby, Trish has a more happy and kind of "awe" outlook on things. I noticed this about her when we were on tour together with the Radcliffe Choral Society. She always seemed to be awed by things around her, totally taking them in with all 5 senses. It wasn't enough for her to just see something- she had to taste, hear, smell, and feel it too. She took every moment, and savored its "flavor" which made me realize just how FAST I went through life. She is such a great person and I really think that she will get through her tough time with the best of spirits.
I have work at the gym today from 1-5 and then I am just going to relax and take it easy. I hope to get more orgo done at work, but the gossip magazines always seem to call me from the shelves.
My goal for the rest of the summer, is to set goals for the day and the week in an attempt to guide myself more towards being a happy, healthy person. So, today, my goal is to remember that "today is a good day- I woke up today" and that beauty really does start and come from within. This week, I want to work on spending time with the people I care about the most. Since it is July 4th week, that might not be as difficult as I think. As hard as it has been for me to believe and do all of these things... I know that I am really starting to. I feel more beautiful, more happy and a bit more satisfied with life. My mind is getting more clear, and now I just have to work on making me feel better about my body and my curves... loving myself more. Whether it be naked, sans makeup, or clothed- I am beautiful.

Until Later ;)