I just got back from the date with Mike. I think he knows now where I stand considering I told him I gave another guy my number right before we sat down to eat. I feel a bit better about things now. We went to Grafton Street Restaurant and had a great meal. I had some reservations about eating dinner out- my paranoia that I am trying to overcome with eating- but then I tasted the fresh sea scallops, mushroom risotto, and herb salad and forgot my fears. I hate eating at nice restaurants though because it is all about presentation and not quantity. I am a hungry girl- I eat American proportions of healthy food. Mike is really a cheap guy so we didn't get any desert so I am actually a bit hungry. Oh well...
Abby and I had SUCH a nice day together. We talked, sat out by the river, tanned, relaxed, went out to lunch, and just had a girl day. I love having girl talk with my friends because in high school, I never really had that kind of relationship with any of my girl friends. It was great to finally have those heart to heart talks with a close girl, not just a guy.
Right now, I took over Mike's computer and I am just writing. We are all kind of just hanging out. Random thought: I am feeling kind of crappy about my body right now since I ate dinner. My arms feel fatter and I know it is all in my head, but I still feel kind of gross. This is a sign that I am still not completely over my fears and insecurities with my body, but I am happy that I did go out and eat because I had a really great time. Bah... I hate this constant pulling of my emotions. I wish I could just go out and do it without thinking twice- I feel like I am on my way but it is harder than just telling someone, "eat." I just need to remind myself of that lady I saw in the subway and remember that vision of her, the wedding ring, and that emaciated figure... gross...
Anyhow, I am also kind of just wanting to be with someone to share these nights with, someone NOT just a friend. Someone special. But I am not willing to settle because I am better than that... so I must wait and see what comes to me. Speaking of coming, on my way to dinner with Mike, this totally cute guy named Andrew came up to me and asked me for my number- quite interesting ;) I was kind of surprised, but it intrigues me. Why not? Don't I deserve a shot at something special? Yeah, I know I have some insecurities but what kind of girl doesn't.
Until tomorrow---
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Update
Yesterday, I ended up leaving rather late from work which just added on to the perfect day I was already having. I did have an interesting encounter though which made me really think about my body and my weight.
I was on the T heading to Harvard and on came this woman holding a few bags of clothes from Ralph Lauren. She was probably in her late 20's, early 30's and was wearing a wedding ring. She sounds normal, but there was one thing about her that really scared the shit out of me: she was anorexic hard core. I mean, all she was was a frame- no meat, just skin and bones. She looked like a 12 year old boy with thinning hair and an emaciated figure. I thought to myself, "Oh my God! Is this where I am heading?" and I began to get really scared. I don't want to look like a little boy because I was blessed with a female figure. By not eating, restricting, and working out too much... I am going to turn in to this woman. I thought about how an eating disorder can effect every part of your life, until you die and even your marriage- something I really hope for in the future. I am a hopeless romantic and do think that there is that special someone out there for me. An eating disorder would just get in the way of all my hopes and dreams that I have strived so hard to achieve and continue to strive toward. I then realizes how the things I used to call "fat" or "chub" were just things that separated me from looking like a 12 year old boy and being female. The little bit of "love" on my sides was NORMAL and healthy. Why I didn't know that when I used to make fun or think negatively about those things, I am really not quite sure. One thing I do know, is that I definitely don't want to become like that woman and embrace the little extra that I am hoping to gain back through eating more normally and not depriving myself of the things I love.
I went in to Harvard to visit some friends last night, walked around with Mike and his other roommate, David. I feel like I am spending too much time with Mike, leading him on maybe... but I don't want to lose his friendship. I am so open with him about feelings and thoughts and definitely don't want to lose that in someone. David is his roommate who I think is rather cute and totally sweet. Kind of out of my league in a sense. I ended up leaving Harvard at about midnight and going back to my bed. I did get escorted back to campus by the police officer who was so nice.
I woke up this morning and had TOTAL with some strawberries and cinnamon, some blueberries, and coffee. I worked out at the gym for a bit, called my best best bud Abby (who is such an amazing person, by the way) and soon we are going to sit out by the river and spend some quality time together. We are roomies for next year, along with my other best friends in college Janet and Liz. I heart all of them!!! I got changed in to my bikini- sexy little white number- and am just waiting for Abby to call.
A note about Abby: she really is an amazing person whom I look up to so much. She has the best outlook on life that I strive to have. I feel it is important to have people in your life that you really admire, and then make them your friends so that not only do you have a good friend, but also someone that inspires you every day. She is definitely that someone for me. I wish I had such a positive, healthy outlook on everything- like Abby. After talking with her, I always feel like I should be more cultured: take a trip to wine country in Italy, sip high tea in France, take a cooking class, sew, or take pictures of the beauty of life. She really does see beauty in life- a goal that I currently am working on. I love having conversations with her because I learn something new every time. Even her laugh is so genuine.
The phone just rang, and it was Abby.. Tonight I am going out to dinner with Mike, should I tell him I don't care for him that way??? Dilemmaaaaaa.
until later :)
I was on the T heading to Harvard and on came this woman holding a few bags of clothes from Ralph Lauren. She was probably in her late 20's, early 30's and was wearing a wedding ring. She sounds normal, but there was one thing about her that really scared the shit out of me: she was anorexic hard core. I mean, all she was was a frame- no meat, just skin and bones. She looked like a 12 year old boy with thinning hair and an emaciated figure. I thought to myself, "Oh my God! Is this where I am heading?" and I began to get really scared. I don't want to look like a little boy because I was blessed with a female figure. By not eating, restricting, and working out too much... I am going to turn in to this woman. I thought about how an eating disorder can effect every part of your life, until you die and even your marriage- something I really hope for in the future. I am a hopeless romantic and do think that there is that special someone out there for me. An eating disorder would just get in the way of all my hopes and dreams that I have strived so hard to achieve and continue to strive toward. I then realizes how the things I used to call "fat" or "chub" were just things that separated me from looking like a 12 year old boy and being female. The little bit of "love" on my sides was NORMAL and healthy. Why I didn't know that when I used to make fun or think negatively about those things, I am really not quite sure. One thing I do know, is that I definitely don't want to become like that woman and embrace the little extra that I am hoping to gain back through eating more normally and not depriving myself of the things I love.
I went in to Harvard to visit some friends last night, walked around with Mike and his other roommate, David. I feel like I am spending too much time with Mike, leading him on maybe... but I don't want to lose his friendship. I am so open with him about feelings and thoughts and definitely don't want to lose that in someone. David is his roommate who I think is rather cute and totally sweet. Kind of out of my league in a sense. I ended up leaving Harvard at about midnight and going back to my bed. I did get escorted back to campus by the police officer who was so nice.
I woke up this morning and had TOTAL with some strawberries and cinnamon, some blueberries, and coffee. I worked out at the gym for a bit, called my best best bud Abby (who is such an amazing person, by the way) and soon we are going to sit out by the river and spend some quality time together. We are roomies for next year, along with my other best friends in college Janet and Liz. I heart all of them!!! I got changed in to my bikini- sexy little white number- and am just waiting for Abby to call.
A note about Abby: she really is an amazing person whom I look up to so much. She has the best outlook on life that I strive to have. I feel it is important to have people in your life that you really admire, and then make them your friends so that not only do you have a good friend, but also someone that inspires you every day. She is definitely that someone for me. I wish I had such a positive, healthy outlook on everything- like Abby. After talking with her, I always feel like I should be more cultured: take a trip to wine country in Italy, sip high tea in France, take a cooking class, sew, or take pictures of the beauty of life. She really does see beauty in life- a goal that I currently am working on. I love having conversations with her because I learn something new every time. Even her laugh is so genuine.
The phone just rang, and it was Abby.. Tonight I am going out to dinner with Mike, should I tell him I don't care for him that way??? Dilemmaaaaaa.
until later :)
Friday, June 29, 2007
What a morning AlREADY!
So this morning started out just great. I woke up a bit later than normal which meant I had no time to really beauty myself up today (something I like to do on Fridays). I went to breakfast, had to struggle with the cafeteria manager to get some skim milk for my Special-k and then zoomed off to work. On my walk to the T station, I lost my Charlie Card which totally sucks. I backtracked and looked for it, but I did not find it. Luckily, I put on my sad puppy dog face and talked with the metro man who let me take a ride for free to get to work. Lucky for me that June is almost over and I have to pick up my July metro card today anyway. I walk in to work in some crummy outfit and look like I got run over by the T itself... what a start to a day!
Last night, Mike came over. I really wasn't much in the mood to entertain him really in the beginning but then I realized he really didn't mind just talking to me. Yeah, he made some uncomfortable comments to try to get me to say, "I like you that way," but I didn't fall for them really. I just shyly laughed them off. It is always nice opening up to him, but I just don't see myself with him per se. He left around 11 to go home and I just ended up falling asleep relatively early.
I woke up once though, in the middle of the night. On the TV was this religious lady getting people to wave their hands and scream "Praise the Lord Jesus!" and fall to their knees with "faith." Oh dear... I started to laugh watching these people and then just felt pity for them. What a boat load of crap that all is. It is on television at 3 am for a reason... and that reason is because it is bull shit. People were crying, filled with the Lord- really, the lady was just filling them up with propaganda and garbage. I believe that if you are a good person, no matter what religious denomination you are, you will end up somewhere good in the end. I don't need someone telling me to read a large book, go to a place full of paintings of some man with a toga and a beard, kiss the paintings of some creepy looking men and a supposed "virgin" to end up in a good place when I die. I would love to think that there is a reason to be living, and that is to just do right to other people for my own good. Religion is a point of contention for me, if you couldn't tell...
Anyway, I have to get going on splitting some cells soon... until later
Last night, Mike came over. I really wasn't much in the mood to entertain him really in the beginning but then I realized he really didn't mind just talking to me. Yeah, he made some uncomfortable comments to try to get me to say, "I like you that way," but I didn't fall for them really. I just shyly laughed them off. It is always nice opening up to him, but I just don't see myself with him per se. He left around 11 to go home and I just ended up falling asleep relatively early.
I woke up once though, in the middle of the night. On the TV was this religious lady getting people to wave their hands and scream "Praise the Lord Jesus!" and fall to their knees with "faith." Oh dear... I started to laugh watching these people and then just felt pity for them. What a boat load of crap that all is. It is on television at 3 am for a reason... and that reason is because it is bull shit. People were crying, filled with the Lord- really, the lady was just filling them up with propaganda and garbage. I believe that if you are a good person, no matter what religious denomination you are, you will end up somewhere good in the end. I don't need someone telling me to read a large book, go to a place full of paintings of some man with a toga and a beard, kiss the paintings of some creepy looking men and a supposed "virgin" to end up in a good place when I die. I would love to think that there is a reason to be living, and that is to just do right to other people for my own good. Religion is a point of contention for me, if you couldn't tell...
Anyway, I have to get going on splitting some cells soon... until later
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Everyone is Connected
So I ended up leaving lab early and I went to the gym. I told myself that I will take 2-3 days off from going the the gym each week. During the school year, I went in the morning religiously at around 5:30-6:00 a.m. before class. Yeah, I know that sounds neurotic but honestly, it was refreshing and it woke me up and got me off to a great start. Not to mention it was really a stress reliever.
Walking to the T Station is such an interesting adventure every day. While listening to my iPod, on came "Let it Be" by the Beatles. I walk through China Town to get to the building where I work and started looking at all of the people. A store owner was outside of his restaurant with a long look on his face and I wondered, why is he so sad? He has his cigarette, coffee, and a little bag of food- how complicated is his life really? It made me think about how everyone is from a different background, different environment and thus have different responsibilities- different troubles. The same occur ed to me when sitting on the subway looking around at all of the different people. It is amazing- everyone is going somewhere different, live different lives, care about different things and have different troubles. Yet just for a moment in time, we all meet on a subway car and run in to each other. The world is so large, yet so small at the same time.
When coming home from my RI house, I met a guy on the bus back to South Station. He was clad in army gear and respectfully introduced himself as (I will call him) *Andrew. We made small talk and exchanged numbers (he was totally cute) and parted our ways. Later that night, I was lying in bed (when my good thoughts come to me) and realized that I may never see him again. He could go to war, die, and that would be it- just another number or casualty that we hear about on the television. The war never was close to me before until that moment. Although I had just met him, I felt a connection to him- one of the connection of being in college, a college-kid connection of sorts. To imagine him dying at the hands of some freaking turban wearing asshole, it pisses me off.
They say that we are all connected by 9 degrees. I believe we all are connected closer than that and in various ways. We are all someones child, and I mean that in a TOTALLY nonreligious way. So while we may all lead these different lives and have different things that worry us, we ARE connected. Yeah, the Internet connects us and media does as well, but I am talking about a different, less man made connection.
So, tonight I plan on looking over more organic chem and such. My friend Mike is coming over tonight supposedly. He is certainly a character- has a strange relationship with his girlfriend, now that is over, and so he has been trying for me for a while. It is strange though. He is a nice guy, sweet, kind, and fun loving but sometimes he can really act like an ass. This one time, we went to Starbucks and he didn't even volunteer to get me anything. He can be really cocky as well and it totally doesn't fit who he is 89% of the time. I like him, but don't really feel a spark for him. Other times, I think that I may go for someone like him but then other times I definitely hate him. It is a yo-yo feeling that I hate and I know it is unfair to him but there is nothing that I can do about it. Dragging guys along is something I hate to do. It is wrong and I know that, believe me I do. My mom always told me to give a guy a fair chance and I try to- which then leads to leading a guy on. Totally unfair.
My doctor told me to write down how I am feeling about my body each day. Today, I am feeling okay about it. I know that I am thin, but sometimes I can't help but to feel uncomfortable in my own skin. It is a girl thing I suppose but I wish that I could just say "fuck it, it doesn't matter" but I am at an age when it does.... it does matter. To get a guy, you need to look good. That is a fact of the world. I guess it is just HOW you look good- your personality or your looks. To be honest, I don't think I have enough of a personality to get a guy JUST on that. I have a sense of humor, some brains, but nothing STELLAR that would make a guy accept me if I were an ugly fuck. And I want a good looking guy in return, you know? So I feel a bit more obligated to look good in the eyes of smart, handsome, funny, sweet, honest, single men in their 20's. Is that too much to ask for? Apparently since I have been looking for quite a while now. Most guys in this age bracket are looking for a good screw, but I am not for that at all. There definitely is more to me that deserves to be explored versus just my boobs and privates. I deserve someone great- that is what I believe and what my mom always told me to do. My deepest fear is having to settle on less because HE doesn't exist.
Anyway, I guess I just have to keep looking in the mirror and saying to myself, "you are beautiful and you are thin- you don't have to worry about all the stupid stuff that fat girls need to worry about- so STOP!"
I must go for now and head back to my living quarters. Right now I am at Harvard writing this as Asian tourists stop and stare at the computer screen...extremely annoying and scary.
Walking to the T Station is such an interesting adventure every day. While listening to my iPod, on came "Let it Be" by the Beatles. I walk through China Town to get to the building where I work and started looking at all of the people. A store owner was outside of his restaurant with a long look on his face and I wondered, why is he so sad? He has his cigarette, coffee, and a little bag of food- how complicated is his life really? It made me think about how everyone is from a different background, different environment and thus have different responsibilities- different troubles. The same occur ed to me when sitting on the subway looking around at all of the different people. It is amazing- everyone is going somewhere different, live different lives, care about different things and have different troubles. Yet just for a moment in time, we all meet on a subway car and run in to each other. The world is so large, yet so small at the same time.
When coming home from my RI house, I met a guy on the bus back to South Station. He was clad in army gear and respectfully introduced himself as (I will call him) *Andrew. We made small talk and exchanged numbers (he was totally cute) and parted our ways. Later that night, I was lying in bed (when my good thoughts come to me) and realized that I may never see him again. He could go to war, die, and that would be it- just another number or casualty that we hear about on the television. The war never was close to me before until that moment. Although I had just met him, I felt a connection to him- one of the connection of being in college, a college-kid connection of sorts. To imagine him dying at the hands of some freaking turban wearing asshole, it pisses me off.
They say that we are all connected by 9 degrees. I believe we all are connected closer than that and in various ways. We are all someones child, and I mean that in a TOTALLY nonreligious way. So while we may all lead these different lives and have different things that worry us, we ARE connected. Yeah, the Internet connects us and media does as well, but I am talking about a different, less man made connection.
So, tonight I plan on looking over more organic chem and such. My friend Mike is coming over tonight supposedly. He is certainly a character- has a strange relationship with his girlfriend, now that is over, and so he has been trying for me for a while. It is strange though. He is a nice guy, sweet, kind, and fun loving but sometimes he can really act like an ass. This one time, we went to Starbucks and he didn't even volunteer to get me anything. He can be really cocky as well and it totally doesn't fit who he is 89% of the time. I like him, but don't really feel a spark for him. Other times, I think that I may go for someone like him but then other times I definitely hate him. It is a yo-yo feeling that I hate and I know it is unfair to him but there is nothing that I can do about it. Dragging guys along is something I hate to do. It is wrong and I know that, believe me I do. My mom always told me to give a guy a fair chance and I try to- which then leads to leading a guy on. Totally unfair.
My doctor told me to write down how I am feeling about my body each day. Today, I am feeling okay about it. I know that I am thin, but sometimes I can't help but to feel uncomfortable in my own skin. It is a girl thing I suppose but I wish that I could just say "fuck it, it doesn't matter" but I am at an age when it does.... it does matter. To get a guy, you need to look good. That is a fact of the world. I guess it is just HOW you look good- your personality or your looks. To be honest, I don't think I have enough of a personality to get a guy JUST on that. I have a sense of humor, some brains, but nothing STELLAR that would make a guy accept me if I were an ugly fuck. And I want a good looking guy in return, you know? So I feel a bit more obligated to look good in the eyes of smart, handsome, funny, sweet, honest, single men in their 20's. Is that too much to ask for? Apparently since I have been looking for quite a while now. Most guys in this age bracket are looking for a good screw, but I am not for that at all. There definitely is more to me that deserves to be explored versus just my boobs and privates. I deserve someone great- that is what I believe and what my mom always told me to do. My deepest fear is having to settle on less because HE doesn't exist.
Anyway, I guess I just have to keep looking in the mirror and saying to myself, "you are beautiful and you are thin- you don't have to worry about all the stupid stuff that fat girls need to worry about- so STOP!"
I must go for now and head back to my living quarters. Right now I am at Harvard writing this as Asian tourists stop and stare at the computer screen...extremely annoying and scary.
The Beginning of Blogging
I started hearing about blogging when working in the lab recently and decided that I really wanted to start one myself. Although, I often wonder- who the heck is going to read my blog? who really cares about my life or my thoughts? I know that if I were a random person, I wouldn't want to read about the life of a sophomore in college at all.
Instead of starting off saying everything about myself, I really would rather start writing about my every day experiences and such and let my true self come out in my writing and my entries. I feel like whenever you ask someone to explain themselves (like in interviews when they ask you to "tell me about yourself- likes, dislikes, etc"), you never get the accurate picture. Instead, you get a half ass answer because either: a) the person is too shy or modest to really tell you how great they are, or admit to their flaws as a human being in fear that you will find them weak or b) they are too cocky and will give you a highly biased opinion of themselves which, hopefully, people can see right through. I would rather that my every day interactions and thoughts tell you something between the lines, versus me spelling it out for you. Also, this will leave some wiggle room for opinions on me as a person. I know not everyone is going to like me and I am okay with that. This is who I am- take me or leave me.
Today I came in to work a bit early. The lights were off and no one was in sight. I took advantage of this by turning on the radio to my favorite station which no one else in this lab likes at all. The way I saw it was, "hey, I have to listen to your crap all the time, I got in here before you, so ahahahha, my station time!" I sat on the computer and checked my email, facebook, and self.com as usual. I check self.com for that nutritionist blog to see what she is eating- I try to be healthy and such so I try to follow what she is eating or I just get meal ideas for later. My lab partner showed up after that and we started our PCR reactions. Fun Fun Fun... It wasn't half bad though because we made some jokes while pipetting and then we ran our reactions. I had some lunch, came back, and now am starting this blog. I studied some organic chemistry and realized how it isn't TOO TOO bad, but I think I will be in for some long nights next semester (I will be a sophomore at Harvard next year, undergrad). Our results have just come out and now I have to go fetch those and analyze them- boring day number 2... what a summer!
Instead of starting off saying everything about myself, I really would rather start writing about my every day experiences and such and let my true self come out in my writing and my entries. I feel like whenever you ask someone to explain themselves (like in interviews when they ask you to "tell me about yourself- likes, dislikes, etc"), you never get the accurate picture. Instead, you get a half ass answer because either: a) the person is too shy or modest to really tell you how great they are, or admit to their flaws as a human being in fear that you will find them weak or b) they are too cocky and will give you a highly biased opinion of themselves which, hopefully, people can see right through. I would rather that my every day interactions and thoughts tell you something between the lines, versus me spelling it out for you. Also, this will leave some wiggle room for opinions on me as a person. I know not everyone is going to like me and I am okay with that. This is who I am- take me or leave me.
Today I came in to work a bit early. The lights were off and no one was in sight. I took advantage of this by turning on the radio to my favorite station which no one else in this lab likes at all. The way I saw it was, "hey, I have to listen to your crap all the time, I got in here before you, so ahahahha, my station time!" I sat on the computer and checked my email, facebook, and self.com as usual. I check self.com for that nutritionist blog to see what she is eating- I try to be healthy and such so I try to follow what she is eating or I just get meal ideas for later. My lab partner showed up after that and we started our PCR reactions. Fun Fun Fun... It wasn't half bad though because we made some jokes while pipetting and then we ran our reactions. I had some lunch, came back, and now am starting this blog. I studied some organic chemistry and realized how it isn't TOO TOO bad, but I think I will be in for some long nights next semester (I will be a sophomore at Harvard next year, undergrad). Our results have just come out and now I have to go fetch those and analyze them- boring day number 2... what a summer!
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